pain for beginners

a list of painful things borne out of love
my broken earring that you would mend
i was heartbroken because i wrote you achingly beautiful poems that you would never get to read
that alone justifies them to be achingly beautiful
her sore eyes
an acrylic brooch
a beautiful black box of bitter chocolate
how far my love goes for everyone i used to love or am obligated to feel for
roses, fresh or/and wilted
her disappointment
almost fatalistic

my broken earring that you would mend
the scars on my arms
on the way to the hotel
i passed by the place i took you after a long walk
i remember what you said the other day about me taking you for a very long walk once
and i replied it never happened
i didn't catch the name but the neighbouring shop sells apple struddels

nobody speaks the language i know in school
and sometimes i forget myself
i slipped out of my green blouse into m's t-shirt
at the dressing table, in the dark
the 3 girls watching and waiting on the bed
and cheryl suddenly shrieked because i looked like a ghost in white
" how can you give a white shirt to a girl with long hair?"
i saw myself in the mirror and had a fright
cheryl- "why?"
me-" i scare myself! "
cheryl- " darling, quick, come to bed!"
the four of us shared a big bed and slept badly
except m
s slept in the living room like a contortionist
failed contortionist
all of us were successful insomniacs though
except m

each of us took turns to wake her up
i tapped her cheek with my fingertips and she put her leg across me
i told her the time and she asked for fifteen minutes
it is not difficult to love m
she grinds her teeth when she sleeps
if you ever wake up on the same bed as her, plant a kiss on her forehead

i wanted to tell you i was massaged and learnt how to massage
it is usually painful for me but not terribly so
thanks to cheryl, the great
she said i learn fast
though she felt like she was being murdered by a very nervous murderer when i did the stepping
i was worried that the painting hanging on top of the bed which i held for balance would fall and knock s and her unconscious
i would tell you about the massage experience
yet i realize i didn't want to tell you
i bought some nice music
and i realize i didn't need to share with you
and that isn't painful afterall