death by asphyxiation

a lonely industrial illustrator is in love with a girl with the way she seems to be in love with her clothes
they have a fifteen years gap that would not deter them to live in bliss
a teenage stalker does not realize that her adulation have reduced her to... a teenage stalker
as with all adulations, her subjects could only despise her as she spirals further into self fulfilling sympathy and ardent psychotic declarations
an iranian man who speaks russian when in love believes in revolution against himself
every love affair affirms his eventual loneliness and my boredom
the administator is pale and intense like Delaura who dreamt of a girl eating grapes
contrary to beliefs, hair cease to grow when a person dies
the truth is the skin contracts and i gave up talking to him midpoint
it is true i don't love you anymore but we can be friends
i spent my time running away from something that i am not
"completely unaware of"
a boy told me today that most teenagers or boys, "not him or she or whoever" think of sex from the word leisure
" ok. what do they do? masturbate? that's exertion not relaxation."
he just stared at me
" take away the sexual connotations, you have the rest of your life for it and you may want to read anne sexton's ballad of the lonely masturbator. that's all."
strange, just because i am wearing a navy sailor dress makes me feel like a perverse japanese school girl handing out facts.

now, mink oil
and polyethlene.

moody morticia

morticia morticia why are you so moody
morticia morticia why are you so moody
morticia morticia why are you so moody

timor mortis conturbat me

pain for beginners

a list of painful things borne out of love
my broken earring that you would mend
i was heartbroken because i wrote you achingly beautiful poems that you would never get to read
that alone justifies them to be achingly beautiful
her sore eyes
an acrylic brooch
a beautiful black box of bitter chocolate
how far my love goes for everyone i used to love or am obligated to feel for
roses, fresh or/and wilted
her disappointment
almost fatalistic

my broken earring that you would mend
the scars on my arms
on the way to the hotel
i passed by the place i took you after a long walk
i remember what you said the other day about me taking you for a very long walk once
and i replied it never happened
i didn't catch the name but the neighbouring shop sells apple struddels

nobody speaks the language i know in school
and sometimes i forget myself
i slipped out of my green blouse into m's t-shirt
at the dressing table, in the dark
the 3 girls watching and waiting on the bed
and cheryl suddenly shrieked because i looked like a ghost in white
" how can you give a white shirt to a girl with long hair?"
i saw myself in the mirror and had a fright
cheryl- "why?"
me-" i scare myself! "
cheryl- " darling, quick, come to bed!"
the four of us shared a big bed and slept badly
except m
s slept in the living room like a contortionist
failed contortionist
all of us were successful insomniacs though
except m

each of us took turns to wake her up
i tapped her cheek with my fingertips and she put her leg across me
i told her the time and she asked for fifteen minutes
it is not difficult to love m
she grinds her teeth when she sleeps
if you ever wake up on the same bed as her, plant a kiss on her forehead

i wanted to tell you i was massaged and learnt how to massage
it is usually painful for me but not terribly so
thanks to cheryl, the great
she said i learn fast
though she felt like she was being murdered by a very nervous murderer when i did the stepping
i was worried that the painting hanging on top of the bed which i held for balance would fall and knock s and her unconscious
i would tell you about the massage experience
yet i realize i didn't want to tell you
i bought some nice music
and i realize i didn't need to share with you
and that isn't painful afterall

untitled

for f,
whom i'm in love with in spite of our great differences
because i turned to him abruptly, wanted to say something but was stopped short.
by his side profile. close. to revelation.
he was looking ahead.
" why are you staring at me?"
me-"are you going to scold me?"
and he smiled. a minor miracle. a part of life.
" who would dare to scold you..."

i'm staring at you because i'm amazed.